needed this.

so in four days im off to England to see my family friends and watch my big sister get married. I am so excited and yet i really dont want to leave A behind. we cant get Skype to work, nor any other thing like it and its doing my head in, i miss him the second im not with him, so to go two and a bit weeks without seeing him is going to be awful. im not looking forward to it one bit. but on the other hand i get to see all my family and i get to see the important friends, but im going to miss him sooooo much, i dont know how Margaux does it.
next year will be tough on us two i think, he'll hopefully be in Aix and as we wont see each other every day, and we wont be able to talk all the time because of work etc. im going to try and find something further that way, need to make appointments and all the rest of for when i get back  so i can sort my life out.
 A said to me today that it will do me good to get away, to see the family, help me figure out what i really want to do. I just hope i dont want to stay there, im pretty sure i wont, but i know that megan will try and convince me to go back, im going to need to be strong. I have A, i want my life out here. I love it out here, i love A.
im not really sure where life is going,a nd it worries me. I am worried and happy and stressed and panicky all at once, mostly happy.
things are okay though.

A's parents dont know we're back together (still) and I hate it, but today for the first time today in i dont know how long he held my hand in town, on the main road. he's assuming his actions more and more, his cousin knows theres something going on between us two, she doesnt know exactly what but she knows. I think he will let the cat out of the bag after his results, right now life is way to crazy at his for him to take the risk, and i get that, i can wait. not forever, but for the moment im okay, we're okay.

It amazes me all we've come through, how many people have tried to cause us problems, how many problems he's caused us, and that he still loves me, that i still love him, its mad. he comes back to me every time, whenever he tries to stay moody with me, he changes his mind after hardly any time. guess thats how i know he loves me, how i  know that he still loves me.
he's getting better at showing me, and he just makes me so happy.
someone asked me if i really loved him today,  the answer is obviously yes, but i thought what a silly question, i wouldnt be with him if i didnt love him, im not with him for weeks or months, i want this to last forever, ive never loved like this, and it terrifies me.
he's my first everything, i want him to be my last.
i just typed that in 3 seconds, not literally, closer to three minutes. and my hand now hurts. needed to get it out i guess, seeing it typed on a screen is good because its so much faster than handwriting well it is for me, and it gets it out of my head. i defnitely needed this.
(excuse the faults)

Over&Out.