october

14/10/2015
guess its time to write something, to let stuff out, because life is kinda crazy and i have doen everything for it to go right and yet somehow something manages to go wrong. which sucks. a might be moving in next summer, which owuld be incredible because i need him close,he is supposed to be sleeping over this weekend, M said she'll see, which he reckons is yes and im hoping it is because he hasnt slept over in ages, and we both need this.
I went to see him at his school and she found about because someone told someone who told someone etc etc and apparently they weren't very happy about it. which makes me laugh because it has shit all to do with them what i do with my time. or my money, A told me that the reasson she doesnt like me is because i don thave a stable job and im not in a stable situation blah blah blah. which really really fucks me off bbecause i work my arse off when i work, and i then work really hard to get a job to find out what i want to do and yet it is never enough for her. she has the cheek to tell me that yet i think right now my situation is fairly stable. she doesnt have a job, they have less money than i do and yet they still treat themselves to things like restaurants quite frequently, and just spend money in ways that they shouldnt. it really annoys me, A asked me to marry him, do his parents know? of course not. he is still too scared, at 19 years old i get that, but that he isnt allowed ot do what he wants with his free time, that he isnt allowed to come and see me an afternoon because he told his dad is was pasta instead of rice is quite frankly ridiculous. and it does my head in, and yet he cant say or do anything. i  just hope we will be better parents than his are...
anyways.. i dont really know what else to write, its getting late out here and i dont want to go to bed really late.. got some stuff to do tomorrow. maybe ill write more tomoz.

26/10/2015
la vraie vie est triste, il n'y a pas d'autres façons de le dire. le monde est triste, cruel, méchant. des fois dans la vie il y a des rayons de soleil, comme des parents, la famille, les amis, son chéri, son petit chez soi. bébé chat, la cathédrale, sirop de grenadine. les souvenirs de sa mère, les gateaux qu'elle faisait. to come home from school and for the entire house to smell of cakes, to steal hot chocolate chip buns off of the top of the oven. re-decorating my bedroom, being taught how to paint by my mum. i learnt so much from her. not to give up. to try and be happy, positive even when life sucks and gives you the worst hand ever to be dealt

waddup dawg.

yo.

I got engaged, A proposed to me and I'm going to get married.                       wtf.

This is actually shit mental crazy.

And I’m so excited, we told uncle t about it not that long ago and he took it really well, like mega well. I told him we needed to talk to him about something and that it was really important for the both of us to see them both surprise surprise the aunt was far too busy. so he came round and I made him a cup of tea and then sat next to A who put his hand on my leg while I told him go on you can tell him he won’t eat you. but A couldn't tell him, mega shy A kicked in and so Uncle T said let me help you and he knew exactly what we needed to talk about and took it really well and was mega happpy for us and then he gave us a lesson saying that one day we might not find each other as attractive as we do now and that we mustn’t let that change things between us because if we are going to get married than its forever and not just so I can become French, why he ever thought it was so I could become French I have no idea but then that’s Uncle T for you.

I managed to do it, I've found someone with who I want to spend my life, and with who I feel so unbelievably happy that if my heart exploded it would create a whole new universe, or a million new stars. Or cure cancer or do something so wonderful I would have something named after me, a flower, or a museum.

I'm looking to do work experience atm, its payed, and if I do that then I can go further in education or just get a job, or do both, life just continues to look up, and a is doing okay at school so far I think, which is really good, because he needs to, and if he does really well in his first year and then I have a proper stable job, he might move in, which would be totally awesome, because atm we were only seeing each other at the weekend, but last week and this week we get to see each other the Wednesday night, Friday night Saturday and Sunday, even though he can’t sleep over we still get to do stuff together which is miles better that not seeing each other and never being able to do anything together. I really love that boy. 

amazing.

A told his step mum.
A told his step mum.
A told his step mum.

the one thing, decision i have been waiting for since the beginning and he told her Friday. the afternoon he was coming over, and he went out to lunch with her, and the he was late, so i asked him why and he said i'll tell you when i get here, so he got all happy and smiley, more than usual, i was half asleep, he woke me up and said i've got some good news, its something you really want.
hmmmmmm what is it, that you can sleep over?
no even bigger and better than that
(better than that?!)
i dunno
i told her
you told her?
she knows
me super mega excited oh my goodness i dont know what to say come here and kiss me.

I cant get over it.... its mad.. she is the only one that knows but its amazing > A's word of the moment.


In other news i go to england the day after tomorrow and im excited, even if i am spending all day in the airport. my uncle is taking me and i think it is needed i imagine that we will have a good talk on the way there because i want to know what they both think of me. other wise not a lot is new, A is happier now that M knows, i can feel it, its like hes more in love with me. thats all really.
Over&Out.

needed this.

so in four days im off to England to see my family friends and watch my big sister get married. I am so excited and yet i really dont want to leave A behind. we cant get Skype to work, nor any other thing like it and its doing my head in, i miss him the second im not with him, so to go two and a bit weeks without seeing him is going to be awful. im not looking forward to it one bit. but on the other hand i get to see all my family and i get to see the important friends, but im going to miss him sooooo much, i dont know how Margaux does it.
next year will be tough on us two i think, he'll hopefully be in Aix and as we wont see each other every day, and we wont be able to talk all the time because of work etc. im going to try and find something further that way, need to make appointments and all the rest of for when i get back  so i can sort my life out.
 A said to me today that it will do me good to get away, to see the family, help me figure out what i really want to do. I just hope i dont want to stay there, im pretty sure i wont, but i know that megan will try and convince me to go back, im going to need to be strong. I have A, i want my life out here. I love it out here, i love A.
im not really sure where life is going,a nd it worries me. I am worried and happy and stressed and panicky all at once, mostly happy.
things are okay though.

A's parents dont know we're back together (still) and I hate it, but today for the first time today in i dont know how long he held my hand in town, on the main road. he's assuming his actions more and more, his cousin knows theres something going on between us two, she doesnt know exactly what but she knows. I think he will let the cat out of the bag after his results, right now life is way to crazy at his for him to take the risk, and i get that, i can wait. not forever, but for the moment im okay, we're okay.

It amazes me all we've come through, how many people have tried to cause us problems, how many problems he's caused us, and that he still loves me, that i still love him, its mad. he comes back to me every time, whenever he tries to stay moody with me, he changes his mind after hardly any time. guess thats how i know he loves me, how i  know that he still loves me.
he's getting better at showing me, and he just makes me so happy.
someone asked me if i really loved him today,  the answer is obviously yes, but i thought what a silly question, i wouldnt be with him if i didnt love him, im not with him for weeks or months, i want this to last forever, ive never loved like this, and it terrifies me.
he's my first everything, i want him to be my last.
i just typed that in 3 seconds, not literally, closer to three minutes. and my hand now hurts. needed to get it out i guess, seeing it typed on a screen is good because its so much faster than handwriting well it is for me, and it gets it out of my head. i defnitely needed this.
(excuse the faults)

Over&Out.

calme ta joie.

Life has changed again. back on my own, which im liking so far. its weird, but good weird, time to be me, relax, have fun. i think everything happens for a reason, and all the trouble im getting myself into at the moment is showing me that i need to be more careful where i spend money, where i place my trust, my love etc...
I've grown up more in the last three months than i did in the whole past three years.

So I wrote this ^ well that, in January.. woops.
Things have changed back ahhggaaaaiiin since then. Got A back, I never really wrote or told anyone what was going on in my head while we weren't together,
It was 6 weeks. A month and a half in which i did some crazy stuff, maybe not crazy, stupid, tried to forget him, anything and everything was worth a go. I thought he didn't give two hoots, turns out I was wrong. He meanwhile was talking to all of our friends about me, asking what I was doing, if I was okay etc. and to everyone around I was brilliant, I am so good at making others think life is oh so fantastic, I fill all my social medias with positive things that people don't question if I really I am alright, and it turned out I wasn't okay, I was still am ever so in love with A.
So... skip the break up, me shouting at him and finding out rubbish things, over reacting and getting ever so angry.
to the new me i managed to find. I realised that my life had been previously lived in trying to please others, that i wasn't living for me, I was living for everyone else.
so yeah. got my life back on track, and then worked so hard, i've been working in the supermarket, petrol station, giving private english lessons, got my new job in a kitchen, decided i want to go further in education because i am capable of so much more than where i am now, and while im young and can still learn stuff super easy i need to go further, and prove so many people wrong, i'm doing it already. every day i do something i'm proud of, A is proud of me, because of how far i've come while we weren't together, we needed it, and now its as if we were always together. this is me basically saying to future Lucy, don't cock life up. Listen to the one's that love you, listen to A, do not take him for granted, because man we both know how shite it was without him.
So kiss, laugh, live, love, eat food, drink monaco with margaux and max, just be happy, it's for you.
i need to go, but im going to carry this on soon.