Life.

Is life just amazing and surprising and exhilarating and terrifying all at the same time, we were all put on this little planet of ours for a reason, mine was to piss people off, wind them up so far they kick me out, wind up in France, in a school classroom full of people that came from war zones, whose brothers and sisters died for a 'good' cause.
I then came back to this tiny town I had gotten to call home, went to another school, a normal one, full of some lovely people, mostly ugly boys, and bitchy girls. It was just perfect, two years later I've met a boy I am so madly in love with it terrifies me, so yeah we don't always agree on everything, he tells me off like he's my dad, hugs me like I'm his entire world and that nothing makes him happier than to squeeze me so tight I forget how to talk, he makes my head spin, my legs wobble and I could spend all day looking into his dark brown eyes. Jobs aren't the easiest thing to find and as I write this I'm using the wifi from a place that didn't work out, 2 months was good enough, put money in the bank, allowed me to finally leave home, and boy am I so much happier in my own place, under my own roof, my rules. It's lovely.
I'm so lucky to have Tracy, she is the only one left helping me, still checking I'm okay, which is more than can be said for hmmm ALL my family, A is my family now, so long as I keep him in my head things don't seem to bad.
Hours watching films ony my fold out sofa are the perfect way we spend our time, even if I've seen the film a gazillion times..

Things to say.

I had some really weird dreams last night. the first one was super weird because it took me back to a time and place I never want to go back to.

When I was maybe 12, my brothers friends, 7 boys, decided it would be a great idea to chase me around a park, pin me up against a fence and touch me up. These boys were my brothers friends. I was his sister; we had all had countless days together playing on our bikes, at the park, in the river. Some of them were like other brothers to me. I was the only girl allowed in their 'gang'. 

There was a man in the park with his little girl, and as I was kicking, screaming my lungs up and crying my eyes out the little girl asked her daddy if I was okay. "They're just playing sweety" was his reply. I have no idea who this man was, but as soon as he said that I realised that people don't help. I was being attacked by 7 boys, and that man just left with his little girl. 

My dream took me back there because there was someone wanting to kiss me, and I said no, which was how it all started in the park, but because I have A no was no, so I started running, and then I was in the park.

I rode/ran my bike the mile home, still crying my eyes out and ran into the arms of my mum, both her and my sister gave me the biggest hugs. It was my sister who weaseled exactly what had happened out of me, mum was running me a bath and had got me my favourite cuddly toy, I'd said the basics to her already. I didn't go down the park for months after that, never went out to play, unless it was with Gabrielle. The police came round, I had to go and write a statement, I remember going to the police station and sitting on mum's lap because the counter was too high for me.

Then one day, Matt, one of the boy's (Aaron) brothers came round, "Is L in? Can she come out and play?" Aaron stayed at the bottom of the drive, Matt didn't know why I didn't want to come out that day, not till he got home and he made Aaron tell him, they lived a good 20 minutes bike ride away from mine, and Matt rode back to give me a hug and say he was sorry, Matt hadn't done anything wrong.

When I first started going out with A I got nervous when he would touch me, because it took me back, now its different, I trust him completely. Even in a park.

The second dream was good. A was giving me mega amounts of compliments, and flirting, and just looked hot. Weird bit about this dream was I was really tired, and so A told me to go to sleep, and then I woke up. weeeeeiiiirrrrrrddddddddd. 

next blog post. 31.05.2014

It’s another one of those days where I am procrastinating far too much, but I need a break from revising, so I've started to write. What I'm going to write about I don't really know, but the joy of writing on Microsoft word is it autocorrects most stuff, so if I write I in lower case it changes it, I love the way that technology can do that, yeah sure sometimes it can change it to a word you didn’t actually want to say, and then you go back and try and change it a million times before it actually gets the right word but hey, that’s what life’s about, going back and correcting the mistakes, or just leaving them as they are because it still makes sense. I then I just realised that is a beast of a sentence and that writing sentences that long should be prohibited because it should be.

I’m going to a communion tomorrow, I don't really know what to expect, other than I'm apparently going to get bored, and have a million questions asked. It’s one of the boyfriends cousins, and I'm kinda shitting it because all his fam will be there and I think I'm just gonna panic… so long as he stays with me hopefully I’ll be okay. :L I have to look nice, so my outfit of the day tomorrow is my one shoulder miso dress, a cream/beige cardigan, and my ballerinas that stay on, I thought about heels and then was like naaaah don't know how well heels would go down in a big catholic family :L hair will be down, probably gonna straighten it, might leave a few curls in, lick of mascara and away you go. I'm kinda looking forward to it, I think his grandma is going to be there, and she’s Portuguese and is just lovely.

Been using Retrica quite a bit recently, it’s great for getting pictures of all of me, because I can just set the timer, and then I know what I look like :L and I hate not having a clue of what I look like :L means I don't have to take a video every time I want to know how an outfit looks. Found some cracking pictures on my laptop which are just hilarious, really made me laugh.

Just got to 1000 photos on my iPod, not bad considering before it got nicked and they had all been deleted I had just over 3000 on there :$ The wifi isn’t working today, I reckon they must need it off to work on the house, but I'm gonna go find out what that’s all about because I wanna check Instagram, and upload this, and I have emails to reply to.

Over&Out

I dare you to be mean to me.

So just decided to check I still had this thing. I'm procrastinating too much :L 

College is going really well, marks are good, the class finally seems to have sorted out all of its issues, I've got an adorable boyfriend that loves me too bits and I am just exceedingly happy right now. 
Seeing the psychiatrist has helped I think, I try to think of others more, which is what was bothering people, I wouldn't have ever described myself as being selfish, I mean I thought that I was caring when it came to other people, but yeah never mind, I'm improving, that's what is important.

I've learnt to focus more on all the great things that are happening, not on the worse things that have happened or could happen, and I think it helps, focusing on the fact that the sun is shining through the clouds if you want a metaphor.  

I've been doing more stuff recently, which makes me happy, spending time and money to buy things with my friends, or to go to the cinema seems like it can only be a good thing. 

Been back and forth from England like a yo-yo of late, exams and weddings and parties and family, and wedding dresses, my sister is getting married, they plan for it to be next summer, and I cannot wait, I am so excited and proud of the both of them, our brother is going to give her away, and I just know our mum will be there with us. 

I am still losing weight, and its fantastic, the thrill I get from not fitting into my prom dress which was too small for me a few years back makes me so so happy. Having to have a ring made smaller so it fits me is brilliant, as weird as I realise it may sound being able to see where my bones are is lovely.

I was 16 when I came to France, I have no idea how much I weighed, I just know that right now I am happier than I have been in a long time, sure I still have my down days, everyone does, but I've gained experience, lost kg's and found happiness. One of my cousins got married recently, and he said something to me that made me smile. He looked at me, and said 'Lucy... what happened... you've got a face, your quite a pretty girl!!' These few simple words were perfect. They meant I didn't care what anyone thought of me dancing like a maniac with my little cousins, I was too happy. 

So try and put me down big world, 
society say what you like about me, 
I dare you to be mean to me. 

Because at the end of the day when I get into my bed, all I hear is the sound of the river, the rain on the roof, and all the good things that I get to see everyday. 
Because at the end of the day I'm loved, needed and wanted. 
And the end of the day, I serve a purpose. 

Happy

Happiness is going for a run with the dog
Happiness is waking up and looking out my bedroom window
Happiness is being part of the universe
Happiness is music full blast
Happiness is learning to South Coast Swing
Happiness is dancing round my kitchen
Happiness is cooking, baking, EATING
Happiness is being at college with my friends
Happiness is eating Chinese and drinking wine with my best friends
Happiness is the cinema with Margaux
Happiness is knowing I'm not perfect, and being glad not to be
Happiness is a lie-in 
Happiness is a cup of tea
Happiness is watching Most Haunted with my best friends
Happiness is getting my assignments in
Happiness is seeing how much I have grown
Happiness is seeing my brother and sister
Happiness is my sister proud of who I'm becoming
Happiness is dreaming 
Happiness is talking about my Mum
Happiness is the colour red
Happiness is making ready made cake mix cakes
Happiness is my brother and his girlfriend
Happiness is the friends I've yet to make 
Happiness is the classes I've yet to teach
Happiness is everything I've yet to learn
Happiness is Christmas with my Grandparents
Happiness is spending New Years Eve quietly
Happiness is knowing I'm going to be home
Happiness is choosing a path to get there

Happiness is everywhere when we look for it
Happiness is me.