I can't remember the girl I used to be,
before I was the one you now see,
When it was just us three,
No one could defeat us together,
We googled where I'd live,
Plan trips, excursions, days out,
I have always been shy,
but few people know,
I have to scream, shout, be loud,
over do it, so people don't see it.
But its who I am
and sure, once you get to know me,
I'm not that much of a bore.
I never thought I would care about my collarbones,
just thought they were there to break,
Like all those arms when I was young,
All the scars I carry are not from a blade,
They are from falling over, injuring myself unintentionally.
What happened to that girl I used to be,
the one that smiled, was happy,
Laughed and danced, made people smile,
she seems to have disappeared,
I hope its only for a short while.
Where is that girl I used to be?
Sunday, November 24, 2013
Friday, October 4, 2013
Heartbroken
I find it heartbreaking.
How that when I first came and lived with you, in the early morning when I was half awake, you used to tell me how beautiful and peaceful I looked when I slept. You don't know I know this.
How that we used to do stuff together, like when we went to that restaurant in Aix, there was to much garlic and the waitress was rude. We laughed about it.
When you used to show me stuff around here, monuments, museums, pretty lovely nice things.
How that its been a month since I've had one of your hugs, and I wish I could have one now.
I miss my aunty. The one I used to laugh with, do stuff with and love.
It makes me so sad. That we got to this point, because of me. Only now I'm scared its too late, and nothing else will be able to get done about it, because I was stupid selfish Lucy.
I've always loved you, your my aunty, whether or not you got on with my mummy. And then I came and lived here, began to enjoy spending time with you all, I know that you've invested in me,
I know how lucky I am.
but my head doesn't work here. and it is becoming more and more difficult to want to remember things.
Over&Out
Monday, September 2, 2013
When we were a family...
I have now got to a point where I don't know what to do, if I try and help you it tends to backfire, so I may not have rang you every time I slept somewhere else, but from where I'm standing that isn't such a huge deal, I know I have grown up since I moved here, and yet being told I still need to, has put me back an inch or two hundred. I can only be expected to change so much, before I become something, someone, who's not what I am. There is a rift in our family, and my siblings and I are what have caused this.
The day after tomorrow will mark three years since my mum died. And the three years have changed me irrevocably.
I think people fail to realise how much of an effect its had on me, because I'm Lucy,
the brave one,
the laughing,
joking,
funny one.
I work so damn hard to keep a shield up because I've been thrown around.
Most people don't know anything about my step-dad, because I choose not to speak about him. Once in my life, I was a very happy content girl, I had a family that were just right. Then my mum met Steve, (my step-dad) and I realised that we'd had something missing. He used to ask me to help him fix the Land Rovers, not my brother as you'd expect, but me. I used to go to work with him on my days off of school. This one time, we went to this place where there was a river, and on the other side of the river was a pub. We joked about people having to swim across to get a pint. Another time we stopped off in a lay-by for lunch, and we ate the biggest burger either of us had ever seen. We had lunches in Tesco's, lay-bys, packed lunches, and once a roast round his Auntie Christine's. Those were good days, days that I will never forget, days when I felt happy, wanted and needed. We'd fix the Land Rovers come rain, sun or even snow. I had little hands and wrists, so could all to often reach places no one else could. If ever we went on holiday, green-laning or out somewhere I'd always go in the Landy with Steve, Sam would go with mum. Christmas's were great, we used to walk across the viaduct, and sing Christmas songs as a family, while mum stayed at home and cooked the dinner. I used to make him Cheese and Marjoram scones to take to work because he loved em so much.Then Steve got a brain tumour. and had to have it cut out, it was just behind his ear, and he had a massive scar afterwards. I thought he was going to die. Someone that I had grown ever so close to, that I began to see as my dad. I thanked my lucky stars he hadn't. It was after this that things began to get worse, he disappeared twice for a few days without a trace. I hated the toll it took on mum, and for a while, she spoke of not letting him come back if he tried. but he did come back in the end. When mum died, I took over most of the domestic stuff, cooking etc, and to start off with things were fine and I thought we'll be fine, ever since my Grandad told my brother and I about mum having cancer, I had prepared myself mentally for this time. But things weren't fine. Steve met this other lady who he had gone to school with, her husband had died within a month of mum, it soon became clear that they meant more to each other than just friends. Steve soon got it into his head that I was constantly out to annoy him, and did nothing but try and wind him up after mum had died. Some people got Social Services involved, my brother moved to Kent, but I couldn't go with him, I was convinced I could sort it out. I didn't want to leave the remainder of my old family behind. but then once, coming back from a trip to France with my aunt who I now live with, we came home to an empty house (no big deal) and a letter addressed to me left on the table. This letter was the one thing that has devastated me more than anything else I think. In it my step-dad had written that we had no form of relationship, never had, that my mother had never let him interfere in arguments my sister and I had, (he chose not too because we weren't his real children) and that I had that weekend to move everything out of that house I wanted too, but not to take furniture as that was all his. Which it wasn't. I have never hated anybody more than how much I hated him then. Him and this lady friend got engaged within 8 months of talking to each other again, married soon afterwards. This I found out through Facebook, funny thing is they got engaged while I still lived in England. He got rid of the Land Rovers which mum wanted me and Sam to have, she didn't leave a will so there was nothing we could do.
We joke now that there is a queue to beat Steve up. I haven't seen him since then, he has tried adding me on Facebook which quite frankly I find pathetic.
The old days were good, when we were a family...
The day after tomorrow will mark three years since my mum died. And the three years have changed me irrevocably.
I think people fail to realise how much of an effect its had on me, because I'm Lucy,
the brave one,
the laughing,
joking,
funny one.
I work so damn hard to keep a shield up because I've been thrown around.
Most people don't know anything about my step-dad, because I choose not to speak about him. Once in my life, I was a very happy content girl, I had a family that were just right. Then my mum met Steve, (my step-dad) and I realised that we'd had something missing. He used to ask me to help him fix the Land Rovers, not my brother as you'd expect, but me. I used to go to work with him on my days off of school. This one time, we went to this place where there was a river, and on the other side of the river was a pub. We joked about people having to swim across to get a pint. Another time we stopped off in a lay-by for lunch, and we ate the biggest burger either of us had ever seen. We had lunches in Tesco's, lay-bys, packed lunches, and once a roast round his Auntie Christine's. Those were good days, days that I will never forget, days when I felt happy, wanted and needed. We'd fix the Land Rovers come rain, sun or even snow. I had little hands and wrists, so could all to often reach places no one else could. If ever we went on holiday, green-laning or out somewhere I'd always go in the Landy with Steve, Sam would go with mum. Christmas's were great, we used to walk across the viaduct, and sing Christmas songs as a family, while mum stayed at home and cooked the dinner. I used to make him Cheese and Marjoram scones to take to work because he loved em so much.Then Steve got a brain tumour. and had to have it cut out, it was just behind his ear, and he had a massive scar afterwards. I thought he was going to die. Someone that I had grown ever so close to, that I began to see as my dad. I thanked my lucky stars he hadn't. It was after this that things began to get worse, he disappeared twice for a few days without a trace. I hated the toll it took on mum, and for a while, she spoke of not letting him come back if he tried. but he did come back in the end. When mum died, I took over most of the domestic stuff, cooking etc, and to start off with things were fine and I thought we'll be fine, ever since my Grandad told my brother and I about mum having cancer, I had prepared myself mentally for this time. But things weren't fine. Steve met this other lady who he had gone to school with, her husband had died within a month of mum, it soon became clear that they meant more to each other than just friends. Steve soon got it into his head that I was constantly out to annoy him, and did nothing but try and wind him up after mum had died. Some people got Social Services involved, my brother moved to Kent, but I couldn't go with him, I was convinced I could sort it out. I didn't want to leave the remainder of my old family behind. but then once, coming back from a trip to France with my aunt who I now live with, we came home to an empty house (no big deal) and a letter addressed to me left on the table. This letter was the one thing that has devastated me more than anything else I think. In it my step-dad had written that we had no form of relationship, never had, that my mother had never let him interfere in arguments my sister and I had, (he chose not too because we weren't his real children) and that I had that weekend to move everything out of that house I wanted too, but not to take furniture as that was all his. Which it wasn't. I have never hated anybody more than how much I hated him then. Him and this lady friend got engaged within 8 months of talking to each other again, married soon afterwards. This I found out through Facebook, funny thing is they got engaged while I still lived in England. He got rid of the Land Rovers which mum wanted me and Sam to have, she didn't leave a will so there was nothing we could do.
We joke now that there is a queue to beat Steve up. I haven't seen him since then, he has tried adding me on Facebook which quite frankly I find pathetic.
The old days were good, when we were a family...
Sunday, September 1, 2013
Home is so Sad by Philip Larkin
Home is so sad. It stays as it was left,
Shaped to the comfort of the last to go
As if to win them back. Instead, bereft
Of anyone to please, it withers so,
Having no heart to put aside the theft
Shaped to the comfort of the last to go
As if to win them back. Instead, bereft
Of anyone to please, it withers so,
Having no heart to put aside the theft
And turn again to what it started as,
A joyous shot at how things ought to be,
Long fallen wide. You can see how it was:
Look at the pictures and the cutlery.
The music on the piano stool. That vase.
The music on the piano stool. That vase.
Friday, August 30, 2013
best month ever.
Met this guy the other day, he was so lovely to me; and after coming back to France yesterday, he hasn't given up, he's still talking to me.
I've just got back from the best, happiest, fun filled month I think I may have ever had, and already I want to go back. I spent just over three weeks doing work experience and absolutely loved it. I was working in a Holiday Inn, as a waitress on the breakfast shift, which ridiculously finished at 3pm each day... Anyway, early starts, happy customers was making happy, that combined with going out to town every Thursday with all my old friends, meeting new people, knocking back drinks, knocking back boys, eating kebobs with my besties, life couldn't seem to get better at the time.
I saw Lewis for the second time evaaarrr, and it was brill, just chilling in the pub, with his fam and Ash. I loved it. Then was Pizza Hut with the gang. Also bantalicious.
I went back to my old house with the best friends, and that was weird but good too, we just sat in Anna's car, cried, chatted, sang; and then we went to the Millennium Green, climbed in the arches, shat ourselves, drove to the pub for a tap water and to play with the parasols, of which Anna managed to temporarily break one, I fixed it and then some douchebags went and complained, luckily us three were sat sweet as sugar doing nothing. :P WANKKAAASSS.
I've sort of made a plan for my future, and been told I need to 'prove myself' and that it'll get 'looked into'. So while I'm hoping for the best, we shall have to see.
I got some new clothes, and I guess going shopping with a friend and her mum, and having people tell me I look good, has made a difference, I shouldn't care about what a family of people says, when I have had more people tell me otherwise.
I do look like my mum, and now I have new glasses I look even more like her, but that's not a bad thing. If you didn't like my mum, your sister; while she was alive, then you shouldn't hate her more now she's dead, so what she made mistakes, just because in your eyes you and your family are so damn perfect and 'right' doesn't mean everyone else has to be, telling a girl you don't like her glasses because she looks like her dead mother isn't a nice thing to say. so before judging other people take a good long look at yourself, because when you die, people will speak ill of you, and you wouldn't like it. Your not perfect, you manage to put me down, merely because you didn't ask how work experience was, one simple question was too much, we had one 2 minute long conversation the entire time I was away, yet you ring your two sons at least twice a week? tell me how that's you 'treating (us) the same'. If I had the balls I would tell you all this, but as it is, I can't, I would have no where to live, no where to call home, but that might all change.
We will see what's around the corner, so while I'm sat in my room typing this, you can leave and go dancing.
I am an 'extra' to this family, not a part of it, and I cannot shake that feeling off.
Over&Out.
I've just got back from the best, happiest, fun filled month I think I may have ever had, and already I want to go back. I spent just over three weeks doing work experience and absolutely loved it. I was working in a Holiday Inn, as a waitress on the breakfast shift, which ridiculously finished at 3pm each day... Anyway, early starts, happy customers was making happy, that combined with going out to town every Thursday with all my old friends, meeting new people, knocking back drinks, knocking back boys, eating kebobs with my besties, life couldn't seem to get better at the time.
I saw Lewis for the second time evaaarrr, and it was brill, just chilling in the pub, with his fam and Ash. I loved it. Then was Pizza Hut with the gang. Also bantalicious.
I went back to my old house with the best friends, and that was weird but good too, we just sat in Anna's car, cried, chatted, sang; and then we went to the Millennium Green, climbed in the arches, shat ourselves, drove to the pub for a tap water and to play with the parasols, of which Anna managed to temporarily break one, I fixed it and then some douchebags went and complained, luckily us three were sat sweet as sugar doing nothing. :P WANKKAAASSS.
I've sort of made a plan for my future, and been told I need to 'prove myself' and that it'll get 'looked into'. So while I'm hoping for the best, we shall have to see.
I got some new clothes, and I guess going shopping with a friend and her mum, and having people tell me I look good, has made a difference, I shouldn't care about what a family of people says, when I have had more people tell me otherwise.
I do look like my mum, and now I have new glasses I look even more like her, but that's not a bad thing. If you didn't like my mum, your sister; while she was alive, then you shouldn't hate her more now she's dead, so what she made mistakes, just because in your eyes you and your family are so damn perfect and 'right' doesn't mean everyone else has to be, telling a girl you don't like her glasses because she looks like her dead mother isn't a nice thing to say. so before judging other people take a good long look at yourself, because when you die, people will speak ill of you, and you wouldn't like it. Your not perfect, you manage to put me down, merely because you didn't ask how work experience was, one simple question was too much, we had one 2 minute long conversation the entire time I was away, yet you ring your two sons at least twice a week? tell me how that's you 'treating (us) the same'. If I had the balls I would tell you all this, but as it is, I can't, I would have no where to live, no where to call home, but that might all change.
We will see what's around the corner, so while I'm sat in my room typing this, you can leave and go dancing.
I am an 'extra' to this family, not a part of it, and I cannot shake that feeling off.
Over&Out.
Sunday, July 28, 2013
Swahili
Hujambo.
So what your a different kind of boy, who told you that was bad thing? The screwed up shitty society we live in? Those idiots in the corridor at school?
So what if the hero in the fairy tales has never ended up being a dancer, doesn't mean it couldn't happen, make your own fairy tale.
Dreams can come true and boy, if you try I know youcould CAN achieve anything.
Human beings are insane creatures, we have dodgy wiring, blow fuses and trip switches like we ARE electricity, if we're lucky enough, we'll find someone with who sparks fly.
In my head there is a simple way of how the world should be, there are too many people who are racist, homophobic, judgemental, rude, ignorant and so fast to judge they couldn't even imagine what it must be like to be a teenager with more shit on the plate than most people have in a lifetime.
Sometimes I read stuff people write, I think to myself oh how I yearn to rescue you, to save you, to help you out of that dark place, but I know and I understand why you write, so I let you. People say (me included) 'A problem shared is a problem halved' sometimes this works, other times, it doesn't. Simple.
Everything I have done in my 18 and some year life seemed like a good idea at the time. So I've had more than one best friend, I've met more people than I remember, I've danced with boys I don't know, I've drunk stuff that tastes like mouthwash because boys can't decide who's going to start the bottle, but so far, I've enjoyed a lot of it when I think about it. My confidence didn't exist when I moved to France, move on a couple of years and here I am. I've lost weight (unintentionally), I've made new friends (intentionally), I am happier in my own skin. I'm not perfect, and I doubt I ever will be, nobody is. I have learnt so much, that's all life is, one great big learning curve, one thing I have learnt for definite is that if people care, they make time for you, and if you care as much as you say you do, you make time for them. Life isn't simple, it isn't easy, but somebody once said its worth it.
Make your life count, love yourself, love others, have faith in yourself, have faith in others, (some good people do still exist) keep your chin up, you may not feel it, but your amazing.
Your you.
Not that mould people think is "right".
Not a number.
Not a size.
Not statistic on a piece of paper.
But a human being.
One who is far more amazing than you will ever understand, far more inspiring than you shall ever know, more important than some people realise, and more incredible than people will ever give you credit for.
Your breath is not wasted, your skin, flesh and bones are not wasted, your tears, your laughter, your sadness, your joy, are not wasted. Your words traverse the seas, your emotion climbs mountains, crosses rivers, ravines, woodland, wilderness. You destroy fear, dispel worry, bring happiness, laughter and a sense of being wanted.
Your you.
My saucisson.
My Pussy Galore fan.
My Chicken Royal Date.
My boy I will meet again.
Ninakupenda <3
So what your a different kind of boy, who told you that was bad thing? The screwed up shitty society we live in? Those idiots in the corridor at school?
So what if the hero in the fairy tales has never ended up being a dancer, doesn't mean it couldn't happen, make your own fairy tale.
Dreams can come true and boy, if you try I know you
Human beings are insane creatures, we have dodgy wiring, blow fuses and trip switches like we ARE electricity, if we're lucky enough, we'll find someone with who sparks fly.
In my head there is a simple way of how the world should be, there are too many people who are racist, homophobic, judgemental, rude, ignorant and so fast to judge they couldn't even imagine what it must be like to be a teenager with more shit on the plate than most people have in a lifetime.
Sometimes I read stuff people write, I think to myself oh how I yearn to rescue you, to save you, to help you out of that dark place, but I know and I understand why you write, so I let you. People say (me included) 'A problem shared is a problem halved' sometimes this works, other times, it doesn't. Simple.
Everything I have done in my 18 and some year life seemed like a good idea at the time. So I've had more than one best friend, I've met more people than I remember, I've danced with boys I don't know, I've drunk stuff that tastes like mouthwash because boys can't decide who's going to start the bottle, but so far, I've enjoyed a lot of it when I think about it. My confidence didn't exist when I moved to France, move on a couple of years and here I am. I've lost weight (unintentionally), I've made new friends (intentionally), I am happier in my own skin. I'm not perfect, and I doubt I ever will be, nobody is. I have learnt so much, that's all life is, one great big learning curve, one thing I have learnt for definite is that if people care, they make time for you, and if you care as much as you say you do, you make time for them. Life isn't simple, it isn't easy, but somebody once said its worth it.
Make your life count, love yourself, love others, have faith in yourself, have faith in others, (some good people do still exist) keep your chin up, you may not feel it, but your amazing.
Your you.
Not that mould people think is "right".
Not a number.
Not a size.
Not statistic on a piece of paper.
But a human being.
One who is far more amazing than you will ever understand, far more inspiring than you shall ever know, more important than some people realise, and more incredible than people will ever give you credit for.
Your breath is not wasted, your skin, flesh and bones are not wasted, your tears, your laughter, your sadness, your joy, are not wasted. Your words traverse the seas, your emotion climbs mountains, crosses rivers, ravines, woodland, wilderness. You destroy fear, dispel worry, bring happiness, laughter and a sense of being wanted.
Your you.
My saucisson.
My Pussy Galore fan.
My Chicken Royal Date.
My boy I will meet again.
Ninakupenda <3
Saturday, April 27, 2013
Smilin'Saturday
So today was a good day. I was happy, smiley, and even though it was pouring with rain and at one point SNOWING outside, I was content.
I've a holiday to Greece in the pipeline, a wedding to attend next weekend, my exams all coming up in May, and work experience in a Pizzeria in June and I'm looking forward to it all. I cannot wait for next weekend, my sister has said she'll do my hair and make-up for me, so we look beautiful, which is really lovely of her. I have my dress, but there's another dress that I own that I think would be really nice, but its grey, and while I love the colour grey, the first dress is multi-coloured and flowery in a nice- NOT gaudy way, more wedding appropriate me thinks... and then for the after party/evening do, I have an old dress of mine that is navy blue with white dots on it, its my favourite dress, my mum picked it for me :) she picked both thinking about it.. :)
I wrote some letters to some people, must get those posted this weekend, well Monday because they don't collect from the postbox on Sunday's.
Overall had a good day.
Over&Out
I've a holiday to Greece in the pipeline, a wedding to attend next weekend, my exams all coming up in May, and work experience in a Pizzeria in June and I'm looking forward to it all. I cannot wait for next weekend, my sister has said she'll do my hair and make-up for me, so we look beautiful, which is really lovely of her. I have my dress, but there's another dress that I own that I think would be really nice, but its grey, and while I love the colour grey, the first dress is multi-coloured and flowery in a nice- NOT gaudy way, more wedding appropriate me thinks... and then for the after party/evening do, I have an old dress of mine that is navy blue with white dots on it, its my favourite dress, my mum picked it for me :) she picked both thinking about it.. :)
I wrote some letters to some people, must get those posted this weekend, well Monday because they don't collect from the postbox on Sunday's.
Overall had a good day.
Over&Out
Friday, April 26, 2013
Life.
So I haven't written a post in ages and I don't even know why.
Life's pretty tricky at the moment, I mean its so good, yet so messed up all at once.
My new bedroom is finished, which I'm really happy about, I love it. College is going okay, even if there are a few girls in my class who really really annoy me and at times upset me. I'm doing a catering course which I really like doing.
My brother got kicked out from my other uncle's, and its as if everyone's given up on him, which I hate. He's living with a friend of the family.
Had a really bad few weeks since I last came back form England/Scotland, unsure as to why but just been feeling really down and, missing mum a lot. My sister has helped cheer me up though, strange how out of something so terrible, my sister and I became really close...
A-R hasn't been very happy with me, we've had soooo many arguments since I got back from Angleterre, but we had a "chat" today so I'm going to try and make things better, and she is too. I think each time I get angry or sad or happy or anything really I should write about it on here, I mean when I started this blog I imagined it would be like an on-line diary, that everyone could see, and I haven't fulfilled that. I can't just keep off loading onto Lewis...
Serious Underground Dance Vibes is the song of my life at the moment, it calms me down sooooo much. To be fair Holy Pacific [even though that's not their real name ash gets it. ;)] are the best.
I'm so unsure on what I want to do with my life, I know I like cooking, but do I want it as a profession?
I know I want to help people, I loove the idea of becoming a paramedic, the idea of working longs hours, getting myself really stuck into a job, not having Christmas or Easter holidays every year really appeals to me, to be so focused on something, to save peoples lives, to affect so many people on an everyday basis, to get through the bad stuff by knowing there's so much other good stuff in life, to know that however shitty my days been, I always have tomorrow, and when tomorrow doesn't come, knowing that I did my best.
I need to do some art, I've been missing it. I need something to focus on, something I'm good at, something I can get lost in that's not English revision.
It's my cousin Charlotte's wedding in just over a week, and while I'm bummed I won't be able to see any of my friends, its taken over by the fact I get to see all my family who some of them I haven't seen in more than two years, mad. I am especially excited to see meggy moo, I miss her soo so much.
I gotta go and get some dinner.. till the next time...
Over&Out
Life's pretty tricky at the moment, I mean its so good, yet so messed up all at once.
My new bedroom is finished, which I'm really happy about, I love it. College is going okay, even if there are a few girls in my class who really really annoy me and at times upset me. I'm doing a catering course which I really like doing.
My brother got kicked out from my other uncle's, and its as if everyone's given up on him, which I hate. He's living with a friend of the family.
Had a really bad few weeks since I last came back form England/Scotland, unsure as to why but just been feeling really down and, missing mum a lot. My sister has helped cheer me up though, strange how out of something so terrible, my sister and I became really close...
A-R hasn't been very happy with me, we've had soooo many arguments since I got back from Angleterre, but we had a "chat" today so I'm going to try and make things better, and she is too. I think each time I get angry or sad or happy or anything really I should write about it on here, I mean when I started this blog I imagined it would be like an on-line diary, that everyone could see, and I haven't fulfilled that. I can't just keep off loading onto Lewis...
Serious Underground Dance Vibes is the song of my life at the moment, it calms me down sooooo much. To be fair Holy Pacific [even though that's not their real name ash gets it. ;)] are the best.
I'm so unsure on what I want to do with my life, I know I like cooking, but do I want it as a profession?
I know I want to help people, I loove the idea of becoming a paramedic, the idea of working longs hours, getting myself really stuck into a job, not having Christmas or Easter holidays every year really appeals to me, to be so focused on something, to save peoples lives, to affect so many people on an everyday basis, to get through the bad stuff by knowing there's so much other good stuff in life, to know that however shitty my days been, I always have tomorrow, and when tomorrow doesn't come, knowing that I did my best.
I need to do some art, I've been missing it. I need something to focus on, something I'm good at, something I can get lost in that's not English revision.
It's my cousin Charlotte's wedding in just over a week, and while I'm bummed I won't be able to see any of my friends, its taken over by the fact I get to see all my family who some of them I haven't seen in more than two years, mad. I am especially excited to see meggy moo, I miss her soo so much.
I gotta go and get some dinner.. till the next time...
Over&Out
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